T'was the Sunday before Christmas and all through Berlin, the Hashers were hungover from beer, wine, and gin...ok mostly just from Glühwein thanks to the previous day's Weihnachtsmarkt visit. So did we want to run? No! Did we want more Glühwein? Absolutely! And so a group of festive half-minds managed to show up at Klosterstraße wearing Santa hats. We're such a coordinated bunch!
Being typical non-thinking hashers, Sperminator and Full of Spunk had trouble counting to seven. Dirty Bertie began showing around a slip of paper – no, not his phone number this time. It was a note saying he had laryngitis and couldn't talk! But nothing a Glühwein can't fix. Hope you feel better soon!
Hot Climax got us circled up for chalk talk – only there was no actual chalk. Nor would there be a real trail! But a walk through the Christmas markets sounded good to our lazy asses too. Too bad we couldn't count it as a live trail and pants her, though!
And we were off! On a shortcut through a mall, Santa caught High Octane's eye, but it was Suck My Dummy who went up on stage with him to serenade the crowd with "Oh Tannenbaum". We're just really glad he didn't break into "Jingle Balls" 😅
We finally made it to the market at Alexanderplatz...oh man was it crowded. But thanks to our hats we stuck together and quickly found a whole table to ourselves. Latecummer Just Josh even managed to find us, rocking up half a Glühwein deep already. We enjoyed plenty more Glühwein and stronger variations thereof, plus homemade Christmas cookies – many were decapitated or deoculated at the hands of Just Oliver.
For a change of scenerey, we eventually moved on to the beautiful Nicolaiviertel where several harriettes got a crash course in contortionism trying to use a späti toilet. The rest took advantage of the Feuerzangenbowle outside...so yum! Apparently there's a movie named after the drink or the drink is named after the movie...we were getting confused by this point.
On the way back to Hash Home, about a third of the pack (ok mainly Just Josh) got distracted by majestic, glistening horse balls and lost the others. Boobies had to then commit a technology infraction and RU the others via WhatsApp.
Back at circle, we noticed Dirty Bertie had ghosted us! The hare proceeded to RA circle herself and the usual circle shenanigans followed – beer was drunk, elbows were pointed, visitors were welcomed. Accusations were repeated so more beer was drunk. Your scribe was given many down-downs so the rest of the details are fuzzy. Hashy Christmas, you filthy wankers!
Although Winter is cuming, and Saturday had shitty rainy weather, the Religious Adviser was able to revert the gray and gloomy conditions, and provided the pack with a very pleasant, mild and almost-golden afternoon. The outdoor drinking (and r*nnin) conditions were perfect, but not everything was spotless. The compact group of 11 hashers that gathered at Jannowitzbrücke was bewildered by the hare’s outfit. Lemme Wanks had no signs of flour on his clothes and was wearing jeans. Did he even lay trail? To add to the shady situation, the pack found a used syringe and a broken spoon around the place where Lemme Wanks was about to start the chalk talk. The marks were standard, with the addition of “Naughty” checks, “Salmon” checks... and “F”, meaning “false trail” or “further and faster”. A bit confused by the latter, 8 runners parted ways with the wanking trio composed by Sex Trap, Oliver and the Hare. (Yes, the hare chose not to run the trail he had just laid). So the 8 r*nners were left alone, unprotected and unsupervised. The trail led to the Märkisches Museum, where the first “F” was found and was interpreted as a false trail. Also, on the premises of the museum, a peculiar statue of a man covering his parts with a dagger was spotted and taken as an unofficial Hash Flash. There were too many checks, but the pack enjoyed the dynamics of the “Naughty” ones, where you had to wait for the next r*nner to arrive and spank you so you could go check for the true trail, and so on. The “Salmon” check - for the Canadians - consisted of recreating a salmon going through the legs of the hasher in turn, rapidly slapping him/her several times in the inner thighs. (Yeah, that was weird). Near St. Michael Kirche the marks began to be unclear. The enthusiastic virgin Just Mike kept checking for the true trail with other FRBs Runs From Sex, Check My Hairy Nipples, Pissout and Krusty the Meat Miser, without much luck. There wasn’t much flour to be spotted, but the pack found a sign from a Football team called “ANADOLUSpor” (which totally sounds like a Hash name). The team plays on Berlin’s 3rd Division (8th national tier on the DFB pyramid structure). Anyway, at the corner of Wranglerstr and Touched by Boobies’ new favorite street name: Manteuffelstr, the Hare made a terrible technology violation and contacted the r*nners asking if they were lost. According to the r*nners location, they were already ahead of the planned beer stop, so the Hare directed the pack towards Schlesisches Tor, where a Full-Moon-style beer stop took place at a Späti. The disoriented, tired and thirsty r*nners highly appreciated the well earned refreshment after r*nning those extra miles. For the second leg of the trail, some r*nners fell for the commodity of a leisurely stroll straight back to Hash Home, while overachievers Symphomaniac, Runs From Sex, Just Mike and Krusty The Meat Miser decided to complete the r*nners trail. But that was a complete load of BS, as they also ended up just running straight to Hash Home and waited for the grown w*nkers group while having a beer at a bar nearby. Circle focused on punishing the Hare, of course, who got not one, but two down-downs for laying such a shitty trail and for opting not to run it himself. “You’re a Shitty Hare” and “S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L” were his awards. There was a lot of pissing on trail, technology violations, no Hash-gear and other regular accusation that were rewarded with mostly hash songs composed to Christmas tunes, which was pretty cool. The pack happily swung low after the super generous down-downs from Sex Trap and then travelled to Warschauerstr, where the On-In took place at a Burrito place called “No Hablo Español”. For the curious, it was indeed confirmed that the two white guys running the place spoke no Spanish at all.
Hare: Lemme Wanks
Beermeister: Sex Trap
Religious Advisor: Check My Hairy Nipples
Symphomaniac, Touched by Boobies, Just Mike (virgin), Pissout, Sixtynanus, Runs From Sex, Krusty the Meat Miser and Just Oliver.
The 70th Full Moon run of the Berlin Hash got off to a shaky start with ever so slight confusion about the start point. But we forgave our hare Almost Fizzled, especially since he was roped into laying trail at short notice and not given much of a choice. Somehow word got around that he had volunteered at the previous Full Moon (which he, in fact, didn’t attend). Ring Piece, Hairy Nipples and Semen on the Pew might have been involved in this rumour mill. Trail started at Frankfurter Tor and we were joined by two visitors (lucky we stuck to the original location!) Bodsa and McCavity from Scotland. Our pack slowly grew throughout the night with fifty shades of lateness starting with High Octane, who made it to chalk talk, Runs from Sex, beer stop, Sex Trap, before circle, Full of Spunk, during circle. We enjoyed a solid live trail with plenty of checks, a play stop and a night jog through a dimly lit park. Everything was going well until a check with two correct (3+ blobs) ways which both led back to blobs from 3 km previously creating a nice circle jerk. Almost Fizzled didn’t escape several down-downs for his crimes. Circle took place at the foot of one of many glorious GDR architectural masterpieces. 10 people, 20 beers, perfect numbers or so we thought until Full of Spunk decided to show her face. Cold, windy and dark... sounds like perfect conditions for the baptism of Mathstitute. She has been an avid hasher for the short time since her first trail a few months ago but is leaving for Queensland next week. Farewell, and fuck off! Makali, falafel or kufta were enjoyed by all at the OnIn followed by beer for most of the full-mooners.
Hare: Almost Fizzled
Location: Frankfurter Tor
FM Beermeister: Ring Piece
Religious Advisor: Check My Hairy Nipples
Attendees: (in order of appearance) Almost Fizzled, Ring Piece, Check my Hairy Nipples, Bodsa, McCavity, Sauerkraut, Mathstitute, High Octane, Runs from Sex, Sex Trap, Full of Spunk
Two virgin hares, Just Josh and Just Teresa were aided by veteran hare-ess Call Girl in laying a trail in distant but scenic Köpernick. A litany of crimes were committed before the hash even got underway. The hares turned up late to their own trail with the half-way-adequate excuse of enjoying Glühwein at the nearby Christmas stalls. Even later was the Beermeister with the Hash Car, giving us plenty of time to enjoy the frosty weather. Full of Spunk committed an early foul with alcohol abuse, kicking over a warm Glühwein and Krusty the Meat Miser left far too little to the imagination with a display of various pasty-white body parts and fiery-red hair. Fortunately, trail did soon get underway. Unfortunately, the scribe was already onto his severalth beer and the rest is a bit of a blur. Lemme Wanks was accompanied by a large and excitable canine companion. Beer with a not too subtle essence of fish seems to have imprinted itself irreversibly onto the minds of those unfortunate enough to opt for the pils at an otherwise lovely little beer stop. We welcomed three visiting hashers from the Istanbul hash, Madame Coco, Dickie Flasher and Kiddie Fiddler (at least two of which may be moving to Berlin soon). Congratulations to our first time hares for an almost acceptable trail. You’ve now completed one of the most important prerequisites for a naming.
Hares: Just Josh, Just Teresa, Call Girl
Beermeister: Kiss Me Kindl
Religious Advisor: Check My Hairy Nipples
Hot Climax, Sex Trap, Just Oliver, Lemme Wanks, Fellowship of the Cockring, Popo Peepshow, Full of Spunk, Hand in Horse, Krusty the Meat Miser, High Octane, Just Barbara, Dirty Berti, Ringpiece, Touched by Boobies, Symphomaniac (?), Madame Coco, Dickie Flasher, Kiddie Fiddler
Just Whatever Twat was joined by Dirty Berti in laying a beautiful winter forest trail in Buch. This was one of the few trails at which Dirty Berti was not accompanied by his better half. He promptly made the most of the situation, handing out his phone number to everyone (supposedly in case we got lost in the dark woods). We enjoyed a drink stop at a viewing platform in the forest overlooking wetlands. Amaretto and an odd tasting Bavarian white spirit, distilled from the roots of a rare and magical mountain plant, were on offer. Despite getting lost and missing the last 2km of his own trail, Just Whatever Twat was awarded a down-down for most improved layer – we were pleasantly surprised that there was in fact flour and blobs and a trail to be found! The RA celebrated his Birthday, was presented with red shoes by Sex Trap and Hot Climax (late-cummers!) and you can guess what followed...
Hare: Just Whatever Twat and Dirty Berti
Beermeister: Mango Sucker
Religious Advisor: Check My Hairy Nipples
The weather looked grim but our religious advisor pulled through and another large hash turn-out enjoyed a dry r*n around Rummelsburger See and the quaint back-streets of Rummelsburg and Victoriastadt, a stark contrast to nearby Friedrichshain. Maria-Phallus joined the Berlin hash for the first time and was promptly misidentified as a kiwi by her fellow countryman Lazy-Licker. After one of the great chalk-talks of recent times, the impatient hashers set off before late-comers Dutch-Ditch-Bitch and Piss-Out could get their gear in the hash car. Our wa*kers played the role of packhorse and didn’t take long on their leisurely stroll to the pub and enjoyed a Glühwein while waiting for the rest of the pack. Good thing too – their early arrival gave the bar staff of the aptly named Die kleine Kneipe a little forewarning. A short run back to the meeting point was followed by social drinking and circle. The hare drank and drank again. Some wa*kers seemed to be under the illusion that a wa*kers’ trail ought be longer than 2km. Who’d have known? Mr Bean thought it was the perfect length – that didn’t stop him from taking a couple of pisses en route. This week boasted strong Australian and American contingents (Hairy-Nipples, Lazy-Licker, Maria-Phallus and Just-Theresa from Oz; Semen on the Pew, Piss-Out, Lemme wanks, Just Josh, Popo-Peepshow and Fellowship-of-the-Cockring from the land of seppos). Lazy-Licker’s introduction of an alternate anti-Australian song to the tune of Land Down Under received a mixed reception and was promptly followed by the classic, I guess hashers are creatures of habit. More beers were enjoyed at the OnIn at Strassenbräu where Krusty-the-Meat-Miser and Just Eta also graced us with their presence.
Religious Advisor: Top-Half
Piss Out, Dutch Ditch Bitch, Runs from Sex, Just Kathrine, Just Ben, Just Danny, Deep & Dirty, Sperminator, Mr Bean, Wee-Wee, Body of Desire, Lazy Licker, Semen on the Pew, Just Josh, Lemme Wanks, Popo Peepshow, Fellowship of the Cockring, Just Theresa, Maria Phallus, Touched by Boobies, High Octane, Short Fat and Black, Hand in Horse, Just Mikkel, Symphomaniac
Our first winter run for the season came and passed and, as far as we know, all hashers successfully noted the time change and turned up for a 14:45 start. Perhaps we’re not such a bunch of half-minds after all. Alternatively, several appeared an hour late and headed to the pub, ashamed and too embarrassed to reveal a very good reason for a down-down. The confused hares somehow managed to lay no less than three trails – sadly none of which included a beer stop. Not to worry. Some of our wa*kers took things into their own hands creating an unplanned beer stop, proceeding to lose their way and allow plenty of social drinking time for the rest of us, before we finally started circle (without them). Looking at you Lazy Licker, Cock Teacher, Dirty Birdy and Oktoberflesh. Being the hare, we might have expected Oktoberflesh to find trail. Last I checked, whooping cough affects the upper airways rather than the hippocampus. Never-the-less, bravo is in order for laying trail in a diseased state and a half-way acceptable excuse for refusing down-downs. Given the exceptional circumstances, Oktoberflesh allocated each down-down to another hasher – Call Girl being the main beneficiary (/victim?). The runners’ trail ran rather smoothly. Aside from some front-running-haring, not too many complaints to be made. The view from the top of Humboldthain was acceptable and the r*nners set a cracking pace, seldom seen at a Berlin Hash. Three virgins were soon no longer to be after their initiation. Welcome Justs Ole, Eta and Mikkel from Germany, Ireland and Denmark, whose favourite positions include doggy style, cow girl and with pizza. We hope to see you again. Visitors Just Dan and Dutch Oven were also welcomed. As the sun went down, beer and an impressive repertoire of songs were enjoyed by all. 69anus and Rico Roofie got it on cow girl style as punishment for sex on trail and Krusty the Meat Miser was joined by Upper Crusty who was joined by Top Half who was joined by Oktoberflesh in a chain of if one Krusty/Top Half/hare drinks... After one of the larger turn outs in recent times (upwards of 30), many hashers headed to the nearby BrewDog for a tasty ale or seven and some strangely named pizza.
Hares: Top Half and Oktoberflesh.
Beermeister: Sex Trap and Hot Climax. Plus credit to Almost Fizzled for pouring
Religious Advisor: Check my Hairy Nipples
Lazy Licker, Symphomaniac, Sex Trap, Hot Climax, Rico Roofie, Piss Out, Just Josh, Just Theresa, Just Dan, Just Eta, Just Mikkel, Dutch Oven, Bobolicious, Sauerkraut, Cock Teacher, Dirty Birdy, Semen on the Pew, Semen’s daughter, Sperminator, Mr Bean, Krusty, Upper Crusty, Call Girl, Racing Lobster, Just Oliver, Almost Fizzled, Short, Fat & Black